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New Theme Text - What do you think?

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genericm
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Joined: 08/11/2009

I have finished up my prototype for an upcoming contest, but due to the rules regarding copyrighted material I have to adjust the theme text a bit. I have included below the new introduction to the game and want to get your thoughts on the setting and mood.

Your thoughts are much appreciated.

A Future in Tumult

Soon after the turn of the 22nd century it seemed by all estimates that space held the new “land of opportunity”. The desperate, poor and wealthy alike saw the new worlds and moons of our solar system as the only answer to overpopulation and poverty. Corporations saw new landscapes gleaming with profit and enticed workers to take up the new frontier. The response was overwhelming. By 2131 new civilizations had sprung up all over the solar system, with colonies as far out as even the moons of Saturn. It became known as The Great Expansion, and it unified all mankind. As with one voice man came to call the entire Sol system home.

Unfortunately the same push that thrust a unified mankind into the stars became the crucible that pushed him over the edge. The huge distance between colonies that first invigorated and seemed to challenge man’s sense of adventure eventually divided him beyond reconciliation. As Mars grew more and more prosperous the new residents began to resent rule and taxation from Earth. In 2147 the Revolution began and it quickly overshadowed all wars before it. Most expected Mars to fall quickly, but others recognized that the harsh lifestyle and experiences from the frontier would condition its people for a serious conflict. Either way no one anticipated the scope the war would encompass.

For twenty-five years the Revolution raged on, it began as a fight for independence, but prejudice and hatred swelled on each side, inflated by war-time propaganda. Sons fought their father’s war without the need for a cause. Mars and Earth both reeled from the dark and desperate struggle in the black expanse. The war between the third and fourth planets left both sides ruined. Millions fled to the outer colonies behind the safety of the asteroid belt and broke all ties with the worlds behind them. In 2172 a ceasefire was tenuously reached. Neither side could sustain the conflict any longer.

The ceasefire between Earth and Mars has lasted these last five years. But hopes for a permanent peace treaty have gone unrealized. Earth and Mars both stand on the brink of destruction ready to finish their adversary once and for all, but many in outer colonies have now vowed to intervene to end the war. Some genuinely seem to want peace, but others look only like predators stalking a weakened prey. The political air is thick with uncertainty, but all can agree one way or another, the war will end soon.

Pastor_Mora
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Joined: 01/05/2010
Much better in fact

I think this plot is much better, having removed the inconsistencies of the later one. However, I have doubts about your time frames. 16 years form colonization to revolution, 25 years of war then? If this was was so spectacular, how come it lasted so long?

How about 30 years to develop the colonies, then 4 years of turmoil in Mars (independist rebels) and then a devastating 6 months war that decapitated the leaders of both planets, thus preventing any negotiation/progress?

My 2 cents. Again, I like this plot much better.

Keep thinking!

hulken
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Joined: 04/18/2009
I agree with the Pastor, the

I agree with the Pastor, the time line do not add up in my book, also that short amount if time do not addupp with that sort of recentment. I should even make is somthing like 120 years. ou need time for the recentment to coem into existans and also enough time for new generations to be born. That way they have no emidiet ties with earth and then there recentment can fully blossom and eventualy a war will start. Just take the colonication of america as an example. I think you need to alow for atleast enough time to pass so the first big wave of colonicers from earth have died from old age. It is not very likley that they would alow a war against there home. Atleast thats what I think.

Great story by the way... =)

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