Skip to Content

Card proofreading

6 replies [Last post]
tikey
tikey's picture
Offline
Joined: 03/31/2017
GBC - Energy Cards

Hi everyone. As I'm finishing the last touches of my game I'm in need for proofreading. English is not my native language so I might have made several mistakes.

Here's the game thread.

Here's the image hosted somewhere else just in case.

Every piece of feedback will be appreciated.
Thanks for your time.

Iyidin_Kyeimo
Iyidin_Kyeimo's picture
Offline
Joined: 05/09/2017
A nice graphic style, I like

A nice graphic style, I like what you've got so far. I spotted a few mistakes (listed below as: incorrect corrected)

Also, some general points: Bulletpoints seem unnecessary (the dots, not the entire sentences obviously... just to be clear!)

Striped shading use is not consistent

Simpler to use "their" instead of "his or her"

FIRE BARRAGE: can't rise raise

FLAK FIRE: Allows your you

DECODE CHANEL DECODE CHANNEL

INTERRUPTION: the effects has have been resolved

REDISTRIBUTION: adyacent adjacent / permantent permanent

REVERSE POLARITY: succesful successful

JERRY RIG JERRY-RIG

OVERDRIVE: penalization penalty / under effect in effect

LIGHT PAYLOAD: aditional additional

NUCLEAR WARHEAD: torpedo causes torpedo that causes / each adjacent subsystem to the impact point each sub-system adjacent to the impact point.

tikey
tikey's picture
Offline
Joined: 03/31/2017
Thanks! You're right about

Thanks!

You're right about bullet points. It looks better without them.
Thanks for all the corrections, I'm ashamed that I shouldn't have let some of those mistakes pass.

evansmind244
evansmind244's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/09/2015
tikey wrote:Hi everyone. As

tikey wrote:
Hi everyone. As I'm finishing the last touches of my game I'm in need for proofreading. English is not my native language so I might have made several mistakes.

Here's the game thread.

Here's the image hosted somewhere else just in case.

Every piece of feedback will be appreciated.
Thanks for your time.

Sorry I am on family vacation so I gotta make just one comment. I'll look through the cards more when I get somewhere that's not nowhere!!!

Jump: You cannot Jump after an attack.
You cannot attack after you Jump.

Duskkaras
Offline
Joined: 05/10/2017
Some of my corrections may

Some of my corrections may already be mentioned above, I'm just going through the entire list myself for the sake of completion.

In some cards you use the words 'defense', 'armour', and 'manoeuvres'. In American English, we use the spellings

defense
armor
maneuvers

while British English uses the spellings

defence
armour
manoeuvres

so you should choose to use the American versions of the words or the British versions, otherwise it looks a bit sloppy.

The phrase "Jury-Rig" is more commonly used than "Jerry-Rig," and personally I have never seen it spelled that way.

Also, contractions are a little bit less formal and maybe a little less professional, so I made suggestions like changing "it'll" to "it will", and I would strongly suggest making those changes. HOWEVER, you might want to leave "can't" instead of changing it to "cannot" - I personally just think "cannot" sounds too formal.

Hopefully I got everything! Oh, and I agree with the other post that said you should remove the bullet points.

---card changes---

FIRE BARRAGE
opponent can't rise
opponent can't raise

FLAK FIRE
Allows your to use
Allows you to use

mine token that's
mine token that is

DECODE CHANEL
DECODE CHANNEL
(You may want to consider using the word 'choice' in place of the word 'choosing' just so you can fit the entire word on one line without hyphenating it.)

SYSTEM INFILTRATION
and it'll be
and it will be

INTERRUPTION
effects has been
effects have been

REDISTRIBUTION
an adyacent system
an adjacent system

is not permantent
is not permanent

REVERSE POLARITY
a succesful defense
a successful defense

defense is succesful
defense is successful

CONTAIN EXPLOSION
mine would've caused
mine would have caused

STRUCTURAL REINFORCEMENT
to a unshielded
to an unshielded

You can't have
You cannot have

JERRY RIG
JURY-RIG

EMERGENCY REPAIRS
that it's not yet
that is not yet

(the line ending with "two additional cards" needs a period at the end)

EVASIVE MANOEUVRES
(the line ending with "discard pile" needs a period at the end)

OVERDRIVE
(I would rephrase the card to say "Reduces all the energy costs for movement manoeuvres by half until the end of the turn.")

energy penalization
energy penalty

is under effect
is in effect

JUMP
You can't jump
You cannot jump

you can't attack
you cannot attack

LIGHT PAYLOAD
an aditional movement
an additional movement

after or before
before or after (this is just the common way of saying those two words together)

NUCLEAR WARHEAD
torpedo causes
torpedo that causes

each adjacent subsystem to
each subsystem adjacent to

destroyed the damage
destroyed, the damage

(it's incorrect to hyphenate subsys-tem that way, it should be sub-system - but when you change the wording to "each subsystem adjacent to" it will probably fit on the lines better)

TRAJECTORY ADJUSTMENT
the oppoent's ship
the opponent's ship

tikey
tikey's picture
Offline
Joined: 03/31/2017
Thanks! All your comments

Thanks! All your comments have been incredibly helpful. I've never though about the informal nature of contractions, it is a very valid point.
I've made all the changes and it's looking much better.
I've completely changed one card since after a few playtests I've realized that its ability was completely useless.
I can't edit the original post, so here are the modified cards:

http://i.imgur.com/JVY2IVk.jpg

Again, thank you all.

Duskkaras
Offline
Joined: 05/10/2017
...and despite several people

...and despite several people looking over the cards...

TARGET LOCK
the ships reduces
the ship reduces

lol we still missed that one!

Glad we could all help you, the new changes look great!

Syndicate content


forum | by Dr. Radut